SANDTON. Just a day after announcing that he was “finished” in politics and would become a cattle farmer, Julius Malema has changed his mind, saying that cows were far more independent and difficult to control than Youth League members. “Cows are tjatjarag,” said Malema. “Also, they are very difficult to milk, unlike taxpayers. At least taxpayers don’t stand on your foot and poo on your head.”
Malema was widely quoted in the weekend press as admitting that his political career was probably over, and that he would now dedicate himself to his 20 head of cattle. It was originally believed that his cows would move in with him in his half-built mansion in Sandton, however, this morning a tired and emotional Malema distanced himself from the animals.
He said he had decided to abandon cattle farming after trying to teach his herd the words to banned struggle song ‘Dubul’ ibhunu’.
“The bovine comrades are very passionate, but their pronunciation is terrible,” lamented Malema. “It all just comes out as ‘moo moo moo’, and then they wander away and eat the flowers Comrade Winnie sent you.”
He added that the song had also started making him nervous.
“I don’t think we ever really sorted out whether we wanted to shoot Boers, whites or farmers,” conceded Malema. “And until that’s nailed down, I’d rather not be a farmer.”
He said it had been a “very tough decision, almost as tough as doing a 180 on Zuma’s sorry ass”, adding that he had come to the realization after a night of soul-searching and crunching some numbers on his various expense accounts that “straying in politics was the right thing to do”.
“Youth League cadres are just so much more obedient than cows,” he explained. “And almost as obedient as taxpayers.”
Asked what he would do with the small herd given to him last year by Zimbabwean Reserve Bank Governor, Gideon Gono, Malema said that the cows had already been disposed off.
“We were training the Zanu cattle to mount cross-border insurgencies into counterrevolutionary Botswana and to eat their imperialist grass,” revealed Malema.
“But unfortunately, due to British agents’ persecution of Comrade Brother Father Uncle Robert Mugabe, which forces him to starve his people to death entirely against his own will, the Zanu cows were discovered and nationalized by a hungry mob before being evenly distributed in bite-sized chunks.”